Fear is a very motivating thing. And, particularly for people who are co-dependent or don’t feel like they should be at the top of their own pyramid, fear often plays a very big part in these feelings.
What we fear
They fear being left or abandoned if they assert themselves and put themselves first.
They fear being called selfish or self-absorbed if they start to put even half of the effort they put into other people’s happiness into their own.
They fear that, if they do start to put themselves first, they might find the relationships they are in, and the people they have around them, are not be the best people for them.
Like most fears, these are based on what might be, not what is.
It’s always amazing to me how stifled I can be by things that aren’t even real.
Attached to fear and low self-esteem is self-doubt. I often look at people like Tony Robbins, Brenè Brown and Elon Musk and think how great it must be to never doubt yourself.
When fear becomes doubt
Obviously, when I am thinking less jealously and more rationally, I know that they, like everyone, must have their own moments of doubt. But when I’m not having insightful moments, the doubt in my own ability – and my own worth – increases exponentially.
One of the way I can most easily deal with my own fear and doubt is just to actually commit.
Commit to an idea, to a friendship, to ending a friendship, or just to my own self-worth.
Decide that I am absolutely worth it, my ideas are more often right than not right (at least for my own life and my own experience). Back myself, completely.
There’s every chance I might be wrong about a person or an idea or a business or a purchase or whatever, of course. But if I commit fully, that commitment can (for me, anyway) often stop me second-guessing myself. The constant seond-guessing, on the other hand, leads me down the path of never being 100 per cent behind anything. And if that means I am not 100 per cent behind myself and my own decisions, it can all fall apart for me, and my co-dependence spikes through the roof.
What’s holding you back?
I think confidence, and particularly self-confidence, is something similar to a muscle that has to be built up and maintained.
And I know that my own confidence faces no greater threat than the voice in my head that sometimes tells me I am not enough, I am making bad decisions, I should keep that person in my life or I will be lonely, and so on.
Unfortunately, that voice can be pretty loud sometimes.
But going ahead and committing to something can quieten it.
This blog post is an excerpt from my book, Actually, it IS all about me.
In my second book, Actually, it IS all about me, I talk about the importance of putting yourself first in both mind and body. I talk openly and honestly about my mental health issues and how they affect where I put himself on the ladder of needs.